A lot has happened since my last entry. My first round of chemotherapy is over. It consisted of 3 days of chemo. The first day is at the infusion clinic. Then they send me home with a pump that continues to infuse a chemo drug for the next 48 hours. I was pretty naïve going into it – “I’ll just breeze right through this, at least for the first few rounds.” No so! I felt every side effect they told me about and a couple others. Today is day 12 since chemo. I’m finally feeling better – fatigued, but better. In two days I get to start it all over again!

But there were wonderful moments during the last 12 days and that’s really what I want to share. I had such an outpouring of support through emails and messages from dear friends and family around the world that are thinking of me, praying for me, and putting my name on temple prayer rolls. Some friends I haven’t had more than a Christmas card connection with in many years. It’s so wonderful to feel of their love and support and really does lift my spirits.

My sweet cousin, Janet, sent me a box full of presents – “one a day.” I’ve had such fun opening these wonderful treats every day. I really feel spoiled! Mostly, I’m filled with awe at the thought and love that went into this project. And…who doesn’t love getting presents?!

My friends who have had or are going through chemo are a tremendous support. They know what’s happening to me and have such compassion and good ideas about how to handle the hard part. 

My CT scan was negative. That’s pretty much what we expected, but still it is good to know for sure they can’t see any cancer. It doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It means it’s small, which gives me confidence that chemo will take care of it.

We took our new (to us) 5th wheel trailer to Logan last weekend to see Marianne, Tony, and their kids. It was so wonderful to spend time with that sweet little family. We even went to a ballet of Hansel and Gretel. The girls really enjoyed it and the guys were such good sports. Afterwards we treated ourselves to some yummy Aggie ice cream. The weekend wore me out, but I'm so glad we went. 

Emily took me on an errand run. It was great to get out. Bless her for her willingness to drag me around. I’m sure she could have done it much quicker on her own!

Devon is so loving and wonderful, and tries so hard to provide every comfort I need or desire. It’s a hard situation. I’ve been the caregiver, so this is new territory. I’ve realized I need to drop my pride and ask for things when I need them. My tendency is to be frustrated and independent when people don’t anticipate my needs. So I close up and just do it myself. I need to learn to let go – be satisfied and positive – and communicate when I want something done. That’s going to be tricky. I don’t want to be bossy and demanding, but I don’t want to feel alone and not understood. There is work to be done there – on my part!

I had a wonderful outing to see “Cinderella” with Emily and Lori’s three little girls. It was fabulous…and exhausting!

It’s so great having Chelsey and Erron living here. I love getting to know them better. And I love that they check on me daily. I also love that they love playing games, so we have game night occasionally. It's good relief and distraction.

The very best thing about these last 12 days has been attending Women’s Conference last night. It is turning into a wonderful Tufts’ Girls’ tradition to go together to the broadcast and then go to dinner. I absolutely love it, but the best part is that they love doing it too. Lives are busy, but these occasional moments we take time to share together will be forever treasured.

The Conference was also wonderful – just the boost I needed. It was a rough afternoon. I don’t know why I had a melt down – maybe fatigue. I suppose I have reason to melt down, but this was the first time. I felt so alone! No one understood! No one really cared anyway! Poor me!

Then we sang this for the opening hymn at Women’s Conference.

Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

“How Firm a Foundation” #85

There it was! A personal message from my Heavenly Father and Jesus! I am never alone. I knew this already, but at that moment it became personal and so real. I could feel the warmth and reassurance of their love like I've never felt before. They are always there and will love and support me no matter what challenge I have.

So I move forward from here with renewed courage. I’m going to enjoy this beautiful Sabbath day, and dinner and cards with my sisters and our hubbies tomorrow. Then on Tuesday round two begins. Wonder what things I will learn this time?

Today was a wonderful example of support from a total stranger. I had surgery to place the port-a-cath through which I will receive my chemo. The doctor performing the surgery sat at my bedside for 30 minutes prior to surgery and talked with Devon and I. He is from an Irish Catholic background. He said he was very religious although he doesn’t go to church anymore. Instead he prays and meditates for an hour each morning. He bore testimony to the absolute presence of a “higher power” and the strength there is in prayer. And he said he would add me to his morning prayers. Amazing!

So many blessings keep coming my way!

Decision, decisions, decisions - making them is not one of my strong points (just ask Devon), but decisions have been made and we have a plan.

First I want to report that at 4 weeks post surgery I am doing really good! My appetite and attitude are great, and I am feeling so much better. I wouldn't say I'm 100% recovered, but feeling stronger and having more stamina each day. I've even started to sew a little - great therapy for me!

I have had consults with three oncologists and have decided to trust my care to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I've been to both the SLC and South Jordan facilities. I like the physicians and staff at both, but because South Jordan is closer and smaller I will be going there for my chemotherapy. HCI really is an amazing place with so many services offered for their patients, and believe it or not, everyone is so friendly, positive, and happy there. I think it will be a good fit for me.

I will have a port-a-cath placed on March 10th and chemo will start on March 17th. I will be receiving the standard chemotherapy for colon cancer. It's called Folfox and is a combination of three different drugs. The routine is that I go to the infusion clinic for labs, IV anti-nausea medication, and infusion of one of the chemo drugs. This will take about 4 to 5 hours. Then they attach a pump with the two other drugs and send me home. In 46 hours the second infusion is done and a home health nurse comes to our home to discontinue the pump. Then it is up to me to rest and recover. This routine will repeat every other week for six months.

I'm told the side effect from Folfox are not as drastic as some other chemo drugs. I can expect fatigue, nausea, decrease in immunity, cold intolerance (will need to wear gloves a few days if I touch anything cold and need to drink warm liquids), neuropathy, and maybe some hair loss - but maybe not either. They say I won't look like a chemo patient and strongly encourage me to continue life as normal as possible. The first 3 -5 days after chemo I will feel the worse, but then I should start feeling better. There is a cumulative effect and so it gets a little rougher as time goes on.

All three oncologist have said my situation is unique. I do have recurrent colon cancer, but thanks to an amazing surgeon there is no visible evidence of cancer - he removed everything. So, no tumors and no metastasis to my liver or lungs. Good news for sure! But without a doubt there are microscopic cells left in my abdomen. The plan is for chemo to take care of them.

I'm feeling very positive and ready for this next step, largely due to the amazing love and support I've felt from all of you. Your messages of encouragement, love, and prayers have been powerful in my life. I can't thank you enough!!! Please don't hesitate to call or message me if you have questions, or just want to chat. You are all part of my village...and I love you!

February 9, 2015

Today is a bittersweet day. We were supposed to report to the MTC. Instead we had a consult with the oncologist at Huntsman in SLC. They were very thorough in describing the chemo and side effects. I’m also planning a consult with an oncologist at Utah Cancer Institute in Murray. I’m sure the treatment will be the same. I just need to decide which place will be best for us. I won’t start chemo for another 4 weeks so I have time to decide.

Otherwise I feel good! My recovery from the surgery is going well and I feel stronger each day.

I can’t thank you enough for all your prayers and well wishes. It brings a smile to my heart and strength to my soul as I read every one. Wishing blessings for each of you.

February 6, 2015

Feb. 6, 2015

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First I want to thank you ALL for your love, concern, and prayers. I appreciate them more than you can imagine, and I feel them every day!

On January 12, 2015 I had a routine CT scan to follow up on the colon cancer I was diagnosed with in June 2013. It showed a new 3 x 3.9 cm soft tissue mass at the original cancer site. The recommendation was to have it removed, so on January 27, 2015 I had surgery at St. Mark's Hospital in Salt Lake City. The mass was removed along with surrounding tissue, lymph nodes, etc., and two other incapsulated nodules. Pathology confirmed that it was recurrent colon cancer in each mass/nodule and also in one lymph node.

After 5 days in the hospital I was released to go home and continue my recovery. It's been wonderful to be home. I am sleeping well, eating just about anything I want, and able to move around very well. Devon is a wonderful caregiver - very attentive to my every whim. He even made chocolate chip cookies yesterday - a first for him and oh are they yummy! I went to the doctor today and had my staples removed and was very pleased to have lost only 4 pounds. 

I am scheduled to see my oncologist at Huntsman on Monday. We are anxious for information regarding the next step - chemo. But for at least a month the plan is to just recover from surgery. Thankfully I am well on my way, and thankfully it has not spread to my lungs or liver. 

Our mission assignment to Hawaii while initially postponed, is now officially cancelled. Our new mission is to complete treatment, get strong, and re-submit our mission papers. 

I feel truly blessed - not to to have this diagnosis return, but for the many little miracles we've already experienced. We are optimistic. It's not the journey we had planned, but it's one we'll get through together.