A lot has happened since my last entry. My first round of chemotherapy is over. It consisted of 3 days of chemo. The first day is at the infusion clinic. Then they send me home with a pump that continues to infuse a chemo drug for the next 48 hours. I was pretty naïve going into it – “I’ll just breeze right through this, at least for the first few rounds.” No so! I felt every side effect they told me about and a couple others. Today is day 12 since chemo. I’m finally feeling better – fatigued, but better. In two days I get to start it all over again!

But there were wonderful moments during the last 12 days and that’s really what I want to share. I had such an outpouring of support through emails and messages from dear friends and family around the world that are thinking of me, praying for me, and putting my name on temple prayer rolls. Some friends I haven’t had more than a Christmas card connection with in many years. It’s so wonderful to feel of their love and support and really does lift my spirits.

My sweet cousin, Janet, sent me a box full of presents – “one a day.” I’ve had such fun opening these wonderful treats every day. I really feel spoiled! Mostly, I’m filled with awe at the thought and love that went into this project. And…who doesn’t love getting presents?!

My friends who have had or are going through chemo are a tremendous support. They know what’s happening to me and have such compassion and good ideas about how to handle the hard part. 

My CT scan was negative. That’s pretty much what we expected, but still it is good to know for sure they can’t see any cancer. It doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It means it’s small, which gives me confidence that chemo will take care of it.

We took our new (to us) 5th wheel trailer to Logan last weekend to see Marianne, Tony, and their kids. It was so wonderful to spend time with that sweet little family. We even went to a ballet of Hansel and Gretel. The girls really enjoyed it and the guys were such good sports. Afterwards we treated ourselves to some yummy Aggie ice cream. The weekend wore me out, but I'm so glad we went. 

Emily took me on an errand run. It was great to get out. Bless her for her willingness to drag me around. I’m sure she could have done it much quicker on her own!

Devon is so loving and wonderful, and tries so hard to provide every comfort I need or desire. It’s a hard situation. I’ve been the caregiver, so this is new territory. I’ve realized I need to drop my pride and ask for things when I need them. My tendency is to be frustrated and independent when people don’t anticipate my needs. So I close up and just do it myself. I need to learn to let go – be satisfied and positive – and communicate when I want something done. That’s going to be tricky. I don’t want to be bossy and demanding, but I don’t want to feel alone and not understood. There is work to be done there – on my part!

I had a wonderful outing to see “Cinderella” with Emily and Lori’s three little girls. It was fabulous…and exhausting!

It’s so great having Chelsey and Erron living here. I love getting to know them better. And I love that they check on me daily. I also love that they love playing games, so we have game night occasionally. It's good relief and distraction.

The very best thing about these last 12 days has been attending Women’s Conference last night. It is turning into a wonderful Tufts’ Girls’ tradition to go together to the broadcast and then go to dinner. I absolutely love it, but the best part is that they love doing it too. Lives are busy, but these occasional moments we take time to share together will be forever treasured.

The Conference was also wonderful – just the boost I needed. It was a rough afternoon. I don’t know why I had a melt down – maybe fatigue. I suppose I have reason to melt down, but this was the first time. I felt so alone! No one understood! No one really cared anyway! Poor me!

Then we sang this for the opening hymn at Women’s Conference.

Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

“How Firm a Foundation” #85

There it was! A personal message from my Heavenly Father and Jesus! I am never alone. I knew this already, but at that moment it became personal and so real. I could feel the warmth and reassurance of their love like I've never felt before. They are always there and will love and support me no matter what challenge I have.

So I move forward from here with renewed courage. I’m going to enjoy this beautiful Sabbath day, and dinner and cards with my sisters and our hubbies tomorrow. Then on Tuesday round two begins. Wonder what things I will learn this time?